Table Fright

Performing a scene in acting class = not scary
Singing for an audience = not scary
Performing for a few thousand people = not scary
Auditioning for a Broadway Producer and a movie star = not scary (though I didn’t know who they were till after…so perhaps this one would have been scary)

Serving my first table = terrifying

I don’t get stage fright. I have always felt comfortable on stage doing something to entertain the people who are watching me. I make friends pretty easily because
1) I’m outgoing and introduce myself to people
2) If I decide that we need to be friends…we will be friends even if I have to squeeze my way into your life and by the time I finally succeed in doing this you have realized we belong together

So considering these things I assumed that being a server would come as a natural easy thing for me.

You go up to a table and introduce yourself and talk about food…what can go wrong? I am marvelous at both talking about myself and food so this all seems perfect
WRONG

I get table fright

Today was day 3 of training and I got to greet a table today and take an order to practice my skills.

At this point I had watched people do this for 2.5 days and it was time to take the next step…remove my training wheels…and be a real server.

My heart was pounding as I grabbed my silverware and napkins and walked up to my table of 6. Two Mommies and Four little monsters.

I took a deep breath and squeezed my butt cheeks together (this is what I do when I’m nervous… it makes me taller…and then I’m concentrating on holding my muscles tight instead of being able to feel my heart beat all over my body)

I approach the table and with a smile I start to say “Hey there welcome to McYummy my name is Jacque and I will be serving you today.”

However I said
“Hey there welcome to Mc…oh dear…sorry!!!! I’m new! My name is Jacque and I will be serving you today? What would you like to drink?”

Why did I say “…oh dear…sorry!!!! I’m new!”?

Well that is because as I approach the table…cheeks clenched… I am thinking about all my centering techniques I have learned in acting class and trying to apply them to this moment.

Due to my intense concentration on not being nervous, I quite vehemently place my pile of silverware and napkins for the table down.

Somehow between the butt cheek clenching, the bounce in my step, and the slight shaking of my hand … combined with the silverware to napkin bounce factor…chaos ensued!

If I was to play it for you in slow motion it would go something like this…

Jacque walks to the table and starts to introduce herself
“heyyy theerrrreeee …”
Jacque leans down to place the silverware on the table
“Wellllcoommmeee”
The silverware now having a mind of its own bounces on the napkin
“toooo mcccc”
all the aforementioned forces combined…the knife springs up from the bouncy napkin stack doing a double pirouette and leaping into the air towards “mommy #1”
“ (insert gasp here) “
Jacque dives for the knife but it is too late…it has fallen on the seat of the booth!!

The mothers look at each other wondering who let the crazy knife thrower out of the loony bin. They quickly and telepathically decide which would be the best way to capture her in a straight jacket and force her to only eat with the spoons the rest of her life. Planning possible house raids and protests against said knife thrower with pitchforks and slogans and signs like

“Knifes don’t keep children safe!!!!”
“Jacque is scarier then a Jack-o-Lantern”
“McYummy…is the food worth the risk of losing an appendage at the hand of mass knife thrower Jacque D?”

….
OK… OK… OK…
They didn’t actually look at me like that. I grabbed the knife…gave them a new one and they ordered sweet tea and said that I was very good at anticipating their needs as far as when they would need refills.

However, I wish I could take a picture of the paper I used to write their order. I was so afraid of writing the wrong food down that my hand my was shaking so violently that if someone saw this piece of paper they would assume that someone with Parkinson’s Disease had started to work at McYummy.

So that is my anecdote of the day as far as my experience serving… My character study is also coming along quite well.

I would like to introduce you to…
“creepy uncle santa”

In every family there is the weird uncle or aunt that no one really wants around… but you invite them anyway even if he does hit on all the young chicks… this was best described by Bridget Jones.

Uncle Geoffrey:
There she is.
My little Bridget
Bridget Jones:
Hi, Uncle Geoffrey. Ha ha.
Uncle Geoffrey:
Hmm. Had a drink?
Bridget Jones:
No.
Uncle Geoffrey:
No? Come on, then.
Bridget Jones:
Actually, not my uncle.
Someone who insists I call him uncle...
while he gropes my ass...

Well this man is an Uncle Geoffrey who looks like Santa. I think that is what made this encounter so disturbing. You just DON’T want to see Santa being a creeper. I wanted to meet a creepy Santa as much as I wanted to see the rabbit in the boiling pot in Fatal Attraction or the Horse Head in the bed in The Godfather.

So creepy man appears in the “chill area” and looks around and I’m not sure how to respond to the situation because
1) my mom has made me extremely paranoid about the world. Seriously…you grow up listening to horror stories about working for child protective services and suddenly everything gets a little more terrifying
2) a girl in my town has just disappeared and so I’m paranoid any way
3) my red flag meter is going off and I know that this guy is about as sane as I am subdued after drinking a 5 hour energy shot

So creepy Santa approaches me and says hello and I clutch my notecards….because obviously if he was here to shoot me dead my best way of escape would be to throw the pile of notecards I made to study food abbreviations at him.

However, to my wonderful protection in walks…(I’m changing names in all my stories to protect identity in case I every feel like telling a behind the scenes story that they wouldn’t want the world to know)….so anyway…in walks *Brad* and assessing the situation he approaches the man who is walking into our “chill area” and asks him what he needs.

Apparently Creepy Santa would like to work at McYummy.

Well isn’t that great…we could bond and talk about how he used to rob banks with Bonnie and Clyde or discuss his love of forests without noticeable trails or pathways and then over drinks we can discuss his favorite movie…The Bad Seed and how he always thought the little girl was misunderstood.

So Brad tells the man to come back at a later time because we are in the middle of the lunch rush. The man accepts this and turns to leave…phew

But then he stops and turns around really creepy and looks into Brads eyes in a way that starts a la the final scene of “The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly” but then turns into “Brokeback Mountain” and says…

Santa : “You know what I’m gonna do?”
Brad : “What”
Santa : “I’m going to go across the street and get a peach…a nice….juicy peach”
(don’t forget that I am standing in the corner of this weird encounter watching this and confused)
Brad : “…”
Santa : “do you like your peaches…juicy…or firm? It’s kinda like food isn’t it…you like it one way or the other. I like hot food…do you like hot food young lady?”
Me : “…sure”
Santa : “Yea I need a sweet peach…I bet you like soft peaches (directed at Brad)”

And then he turns around and leaves
Probably to tell his reindeer that he just ruined the Santa fantasy for two poor college kids.

That is my thoughts on McYummy for the day