You Suck

So here is the deal…people suck

If there is anything that my last few shifts at McYummy has taught me is that we live in a cruel world filled with really horrible people.

I think that’s one of the reasons why I would love to live in London so much. Even though I know horrible things happen over there, it still feels so much safer.

Between a girl being kidnapped/drugged/whatever actually happened, a shooter, a storm tearing down half the town, and in the larger picture the tragic state of the economy…it’s just more and more evident that maybe America isn’t the safest place.

I mean crime happens all the time in London. However, the deaths I heard about weren’t homicides; they were people jumping in front of the tube. The most dangerous things that occurred were student protests and 5” of snow. Ok so the government was tapping their phones…what else is new in the world, the government is always invading our personal space.

That issue alone I find interesting because yes, while the act of tapping a phone is a huge violation of privacy and crosses all sorts of moral boundaries. I wouldn’t freak out and I would give the same reasoning that I gave my mom in high school for why my room was always so messy.

I tended to not enjoy the task of cleaning my room growing up. My mother would love to remind me of how my brother’s room would always be in top shape. My brother also made some “not-so-good” choices in high school. She always threatened to come into my room and throw all my things on the floor so I would have to clean.

I would always respond to my mom accordingly… explaining that while that would be nuisance to me I had nothing to hide, unlike my mischievous brother who obviously kept his room clean just so she would have no reason to go snooping around.

This is how I feel about this phone-tapping thing. It is an annoying nuisance and completely crosses the boundaries. But if the government wants to listen to me talk to my mom about this weeks episode of The Bachelorette then that’s an hour of their lives that was just wasted, I have nothing to hide.

Getting back on topic. I miss London and I would much rather deal with phone tapping then some of the things that my country produces…like the following two couples…

ISSUE #1 : HORRIBLE PEOPLE

I’ve never understood the point in stealing. I once accidently stole a headband during my sophomore year of high school. I was trying on a headband at Wet Seal with an outfit and I had forgotten that it was on my head. So, when I got home I looked in the mirror and saw the stolen item atop my head.

I couldn’t bring it back because they would think I was a thief and then I wouldn’t be allowed to by clothes at Wet Seal anymore which would make me sad cause their shirts were always so comfy.

I couldn’t wear the headband because looking at it only reminded me of the horrible thing I had accidently done. That was 2.95 that Wet Seal would never receive and it was all because of me.

I couldn’t throw it away because it was a perfectly adorable headband that deserved to be worn.

So to this day this headband sits in my drawer staring at me. Only being worn the time I tried it on at the store and forgot to take it off.

It’s almost 5 years later and I still feel horrible about it. AND this was an accident. So what I cant understand is people who willingly decide to cheat people out of money.

First was this couple who came in Tuesday night. They each had the most expensive meal on the menu plus drinks. The restaurant wasn’t that busy at the time. I was juggling about 4 tables but 2 of them were already done and just hanging out for a while. I gave these people great service getting them whatever they wanted.

When they left I went to grab their check and they had marked a 0 on the tip thing. This doesn’t seem out of the ordinary because lots of people prefer to leave cash tips. I SEARCH the table for any sign of money…. nothing.

I sold this table over 50 dollars worth of food and they left me nothing. This was going to be one of my biggest tabs of the night.

I broke my rule….I cried at work

I didn’t mean to, but I couldn’t believe it. I just stood there shocked as I stared at the receipt. How could someone be so mean? If I had been a bad waitress I would have accepted this as my punishment and moved on. These people were just mean trash who didn’t understand common decency. The insult of leaving no tip just whacked me over the heart in a way I was unprepared for….so I sped walked to the bathroom and broke down crying.

These aren’t the worst people of the week

On Thursday a couple came in. They both had drinks and full racks of ribs and just walked out on their check. Which means…no money for McYummy and more importantly no tip for me.

I don’t understand how people do that. Who can go home feeling good about themselves after walking out on a check? Do these people not know that I make 2.15 an hour and that if they don’t tip me then I basically get nothing for serving them. That didn’t make me sad….that just made me mad.

I want to know who was raised to think that walking out on your check is ok. I want to find those parents and tell them the following things

1) You are a horrible parent

2) You owe me tip money

3) I hope that someone steals from you

4) I also hope a tornado takes your home to Oz but not the Dorothy version of OZz….a version where the wicked witch throws a house on YOU!!!

On a lighter note….

THING #2: Overheard at McYummy

So there are sites online called Overheard at… . It’s especially big on campuses around the country. This week I am doing my own version…things I find to be funny dinner conversation

--

Guy talking to his friend “But you would have pulled out even if she hadn’t said anything right?”

--

Older Brother : “No all the Jedi Warriors were killed off at the end of Star Wars”

Younger Brother: “That’s NOT TRUE!!!!”

OB: “yes it is…that was George Lucas’ plan”

YB: (breaks down sobbing…I mean actually audibly sobbing) “Why would you say something like that!!!!!”

OB: “You are being ridiculous”

YB: “What about luke skywalker”

OB: “He’ll kill him off too…Lucas said that he wants to make a 7,8, and 9 before he dies”

YB: “I hate you…you’ve ruined my life” (runs to the bathroom crying)

--

Father talking to his 3 children: “Now when mommy gets here we're not telling her that we ate that molten as an appetizer”

--

Woman having a cocktail with her friend over potato skins: “So I told him that he either gets us a pool or a divorce”

Friend: “I was wondering how you convinced him.”

Woman: “He was being ridiculous, I don’t care if he was having a mid-life crisis. He was not spending our money on some stupid motorcycle…so I chose the thing he was going to blow his money on FOR HIM”

Friend: “Dave would never go for that”

Woman: (whispers) “When I told him we could have sex in the pool…he started calling for quotes the next day”

---

Man: “I need to stop dropping Ipads down the stairs…this is getting expensive”

Those are my thoughts on serving for the time being.

My Derrière

When I started working at McYummy I got in trouble because I hadn’t bought non-slip shoes yet. The kitchen can get really slippery and since you’re carrying around trays with 50+ pounds of food you REALLY don’t want to fall on your derrière (that means butt however I think it sounds nicer in French).

First of all can we discuss non-slip shoes? They are ugly; there are no cute non-slip shoes, which is really disappointing. They all look like someone who has never looked at a fashion magazine or feet for that matter designed them.

Secondly, they are really comfy so I’m quite ok with my purchase. It’s like walking on two really ugly pillows.

Thirdly, non-slip shoes are a joke. I have had more cases of almost falling on my
derrière since buying these shoes then I did wearing my black lace up vans. Personally, I think a better option would be to have carpet in the kitchen area and then we wouldn’t have this problem.

GARLIC BREAD

Thursday night was dead and started off with the garlic bread lady. The first hour of my shift I had one table. It was this middle aged woman who came in with all of her mail and ordered a sweet tea, a bowl of soup, and a piece of garlic bread.

After receiving her piece of garlic bread she informed me that

GBL : “This is NOT to my liking, you can either get me a new one or remove my entire bill”

So I went and ordered another piece of garlic bread for her even though they are pre packaged and so they are all the exact same. I came back with take two and she still was not pleased with her bread.

I tried to explain to her that no matter how many new ones we tried they would all taste the same. This apparently was unacceptable to her and so I went off for take 3,4,5 and then take 6 of garlic bread. I had the manager take off the .50 cents for the bread and shockingly enough piece #6 was to her liking even though every piece is the exact SAME.

So that was an hour of my life….she tipped me a dollar….great I won’t spend it all in one place.

Literally that’s the only interesting story from Thursday. However, all the fun stuff happened on Friday and that’s what the meat of today’s entry is about

Happy Families

I love getting tables of people I get along with. Where we feel like friends. Each night I get at least 2 tables where I really feel like I’ve connected with my guests and brightened their evening.

Not that the rest of my tables see me as Wednesday Adams…just that sometimes you just connect with people and are really able to predict their needs. I like these people because they say things to me like

“People should take lessons from you” – Blonde woman who I brought her a fresh drink as she was taking her last sip from her current one

“It’s so nice to have a server who will answer our questions and not rush us out” – Old Man asking about desert options

I enjoy people telling me how wonderful I am. It’s my favorite part of my job.

Regulars!!

On the same note as above the most amazing thing happened to me on Friday. A new table came in and as I took these peoples order I knew that I had seen them before. The couple definitely looked familiar but when the little girl laughed I KNEW that I had served them before.

THEY REMEMBERED ME TOO!!!!

I have regulars. I was really excited about this! I had this couple on one of my very first shifts and I remember their little girl because she laughed manically at everything I said and I thought two things

1) She is a cute as a button

2) I wonder if I was that insane as a child and I’m sure my mother would say yes. I have a Halloween home movie where I was tinkerbell hitting my feet on the counter to make the little bells on my shoes ring and I just laughed over and over. But then again I probably was OD’d on sugar.

Food Confusion / Shocking Tips

I’m putting these two things together because one of the related stories belongs in both of these categories.

I love when I get a tip from a table that I assume is going to leave a bad tip.

I mean this in the least discriminatory way. But when trucker dads stop in with their sons for the weekend they don’t tend to leave the best tips because they are already spending so much trying to feed their two hungry boys. But one dad came in and when he left I had a $15 dollar tip on the table and I thought…wow some people in this world are really amazing.

Some people…aren’t amazing. Every night you are going to have one bad table. It comes with the territory. It usually happens while some other table LOVES you.

And usually this is during the middle of the rush.

I had three tables, two of which thought I was delightful and great while the third just didn’t like me. The problem with the restaurant being packed is that things in the kitchen get crazy. People are screaming at each other and it is chaos.

My tables’ food came out before their appetizer and I apologized profusely to them but I knew that they were not happy. I tried to make up for it by bringing around extra drinks and being available to bring them any extra sauces or sides that they needed.

I thought I had rectified the situation until desert time came around. They wanted to know what shooters we had. I explained to the couple that they were thinking of Applebees because that’s who has desert shooters (also so does the Olive Garden and if you ever want to have a small desert that isn’t going to kill your aortic pumps get their chocolate mousse…it will change your life).

They looked through the menu searching for the shooters even though I told them we didn't have shooters.

I asked the manager if we had them in the past and he said no so I was positive that they had to be thinking of another restaurant and so I suggested our other desert options.

This resulted in me being reprimanded by this table because apparently it is my fault that we no longer have the desert shooters that we never had in the first place.

They left a 3-dollar tip…I was surprised…I was expecting nothing at all.

The Truck – The Truck – The Truck is on FIRE!!!!!!

It’s close to closing and a woman comes in and informs me that there is a large log in the back of one of the trucks outside and that it is on fire.

Yes I said on FIRE. I had my manager check out the situation and the log was in fact on fire. This is not the crazy part of the story….this is…

My manager returns inside and finds the owner of the truck sitting at the bar

Manager : Excuse me sir? Do you happen to own a green pick up truck?

FireBoy: Yes I do

M: Well it looks like the log in the back of your truck is on fire

FB: it’s not on fire

M: No, I just looked at it. Your truck is starting to catch on fire

FB: I don’t believe you

M: Please come take a look at it yourself

FB: My truck is not on fire

M: Except that it is and you should probably go fix it

FB: (goes outside…. returns) yep my truck is on fire…I’m gonna finish my beer first and then ill deal with it. I threw a tarp over it to handle the situation till I get back.

Welcome to Indiana folks

The end of the night

I hate being last cut because that means you don’t get to go home till around midnight and by then you are so exhausted that you don’t want to do anything but sleep.

Here are my 3 thoughts on the end of the evening procedures.

FIRST - While I hate being the last cut. I love being the last cut on Friday nights because the entire restaurant is staffed which means that by the time it finally gets to my section to be cut there is maybe one thing of back work to do.

I hate back work. I would pay someone to do my back work for me if I was rich.

SECOND – I have never eaten after my shift because I have never really been hungry after working on my feet for 7 or 8 hours. I usually don’t even want to look at food…let alone spend the money that I just worked my derrière off to earn on a burger. However Friday night I was starving and we get 50% off when we’ve just gotten off duty. You want to feel something glorious…don’t eat for 12 hours and of those 12 work hard labor for around 7.5 and when you take a bite into the 4 dollar burger …it’s a religious experience

THIRD – At the end of the night you tip out 1% of your sales (which you take out of your tips) to your bartender and to your QA (the person who assembles your food). There isn’t always a QA, just on really busy nights. I always tip my QA well because if it weren’t for them I would have my derrière handed to me on a platter. They get all your food ready with all of its side dishes and everything and make sure that if you are out taking an order that someone takes the food out to your table. If you are back in the kitchen you can just scoop up the tray that is already assembled with your food ready to go.

I hate tipping the bartender though. I always get tables of families who don’t drink which is fine. While I feel that it is important to tip the bartender when you are making alcohol sales…I don't like it when I haven’t sold a single alcoholic drink all night long. I really resent giving 3 dollars to someone who did nothing for me all night.

The Most Important Thing You Will Ever Learn About Serving

Improv

Improv is the most important skill when being a server. I see the panic on people’s faces when they mess up and they don’t know what to do. It’s those moments when I am so eternally grateful of my acting experience.

So when I pass by the table and the lady who asked for a bowl of lemons about 7 minutes ago hails me over and asks where they are I wont say

“oh my god I’m so sorry I forgot ill go get them” which is what the rest of my colleagues say

I pull lines out of my derrière, since i did in fact forget, and say (this actually happened on Friday)

“Of course! Trust me I haven’t forgotten about you! We actually ran out of sliced lemons and so I put an order into the kitchen for them to slice some new ones. I am so sorry about the wait though. Let me go see what’s taking them so long and if they haven’t finished yet, then I’ll just slice them up myself”

So then I went into the kitchen…sliced up the lemons myself and returned

“I decided to just do it myself I didn’t want you to have to wait any longer”

This is also the woman I mentioned earlier who said

“People should taking serving lessons from you”

yes they should....improv my friends...improv

All Sorts Of Fun and Games

There comes a moment in ones life where one must make a decision.

Over the last few weeks I was faced with a choice: write my blog…or pass French

I chose to pass French

But I am back…even though technically I never left.
My life and McYummy have been an interesting assortment of events.

WWIII has been going splendidly. I thought it had ended and that my foes were finally in retreat…but some stubborn survivors have been grasping hanging on for dear life. I mean I don’t blame them. My kitchen is a pretty happening place. It’s where the food is made and as I heard fruit flies enjoy food…of course this is why I’m now refrigerating everything that isn’t canned. Now with the exception of bread…

Bread shouldn’t be refrigerated…a word to the wise
I think that my campaign for a Nobel Prize is just days away from being a success as I have made an incredible discovery!!

So you’re cooking chicken in a pan with nothing but a little oil and s&p and you’re thinking

Internal Monologue…great another delicious meal of chicken with absolutely nothing on it. Being healthy makes me feel so young and alive. Oh how I can’t wait for my hunger to be satiated by this plain chicken. How my taste buds await the sweet release of flavor.

And then it happened! ROSEMARY!!! OH MY GOD PEOPLE!!!!

My life has been changed…try it and yours will be too. I sense that this will become a worldwide phenomenon with tweets about it and a facebook fan page. People will add Rosemary Chicken into their interests on sparks in their Google+ accounts right between Lady Gaga and Potty Training Dogs.

So that is what has been going on in my life outside of McYummy ,which brings us to the meat of my blog…

THE WORK UPDATE

Can I first mention that I’m really into CapsLock today…not sure why. You’ll just have to bear with things being in all capitals sporadically throughout this post.

Work has been going really well. I don’t hate my job yet so this is the longest I’ve ever gone in a job where I haven’t thought of reasons why I need to quit. This could be due to many things.

1 - I keep looking at apartments in Chicago and realize that I’m going to need to save up serious cash
2 – I actually like the people I work with…something that has never happened before
3 – I’m not cleaning toilets or working as a minimum wage cashier or working for a mental dictator type boss who makes me fear all old people.

Things I have learned/observed

THING ONE : The Moment that you just…know….that you need to go to the bathroom

So this story may cross the line a little bit…however, I don’t care because not a single one of you who read my blog can say that you don’t understand this feeling.

So I’m trying to eat healthy and I had been basically living off of veggies, chicken and fruit. One day before work I thought I would be a good idea to have a steak. I needed some red meat in my life to give me energy.

Well here’s the thing about eating healthy…when you decide to “spice things up” your stomach does not appreciate the sentiment and thinks that an air raid must be occurring so your tummy starts a counter attack which results in the following incident.

My tables we going pretty smoothly, I was being sat at a rate that was easy to take care of and I felt like things were going on schedule.

Glurb glurb glurb (this is the noise my stomach is making…think backed up drain meets the loch nest monster)

Now by this time I had forgotten why my stomach could possibly be bothering me and conclude that I must be coming down with something.

I continue with my work but my pace greatly slows down. Sweat beads start forming all over my skin and I start to get dizzy. I’m starting to think that I must have the bird flu as I walk up to a table now drenched in my own sweat.

(Internal monologue in italics)

“Hi welcome to McYummy my name is Jacque and ill be serving you tonight…oh no…what can I get you guys started off with to drink…oh no oh no oh no…breathe breathe…not now”
Customer : “orders drinks while I’m thinking…ok ill just run to the bathroom after they order their drinks and then comeback and it’ll be fine…were actually ready to order now…shit shit shit shit”

“Well great! I am actually going to go…check…on something. But ill grab your drinks and ill be right back to take your order.”

I RAN to that bathroom! It reminded me of that scene in Bridesmaids where the bride is running across the street and she says “it’s not happening! It’s NOT happening….it’s happening” and sort of just collapsed to the ground.

That’s how I felt.

THING TWO: Friendships last a lifetime

So the hurricane and I are making great advances in our friendship and we are actually speaking full sentences to each other. I mean I would still bet hard money that if she got to choose to fire someone from staff she would most likely pick me.

But I knew that sometimes, even the most angry people, can be annoyed into submission by my sunshine type kindness.

THING THREE: SCANDAL

Something I learned at work the other day is that restaurants don’t proctor drug tests. As I was rolling silverware with Sandy she was asking me if I do pot which is a big thing here at IU. I was explaining to her that I don’t judge people for doing it but drugs are just not my thing because…

1) any person who has taken a psychology course with a drug unit and has SEEN the pictures of ones brain after drug use…must be verifiably insane to go out and do them…its terrifying
2) One of the things I don’t understand about Theatre/Music people doing drugs especially pot which you smoke is that HELLO…our livelihood rests on having a healthy voice and lungs.
3) I have asthma and would probably die
4) I once went to a party where some people started doing it…I walked into the party…smelled the room…and then proceeded to go home about 5 minutes later and showered as many times to try to get the smell out of my hair just from walking into the house…if you have never smelled pot before I think I would equate it to a mixture of horse manure and agony

Anyway, I’m not trying to lecture you to not do drugs. Go ahead do it…ruin your voice…that will be one less person I have to worry about taking the role of Cathy in the revival of The Last 5 Years one day from me.

So Sandy let me in on the scoop. Apparently wherever you go most servers are major potheads. I don’t know if this is true in every city or just b-town. But because everywhere else requires drug tests, all the druggies want to work in the food industry.

Needless to say… After my spiel about the bad things that drugs do…I have not been invited to any work parties…which is fine, by me.

THING FOUR: Little Girls Little Girls

The most adorable girl I have ever seen and her family came in during my most recent shift at McYummy. This also broke my heart.

She looked like what I imagine Ariel from the little mermaid did as a child. She is definitely going to be a heartbreaker when she grows up. She was around 8-10.

So I greet their table and she smiles at me and says

“Mommy…she has the same hair as me!!”

I smile back and when I bring out the drinks she compliments the flower in my hair. I serve the other tables around me and she keeps staring at me and smiling. So I keep checking my face in the mirror because I am convinced that there must be something on my face or in my teeth.

The family’s food comes out and as I’m placing down the food the little girl looks up at me and says with the biggest smile in the world.

“I like girls do you?”

Her parents stop in their tracks in horror staring back from me to her and back to me not sure what to do. I smile and bend down next to the girl putting my hand on her shoulder and say

“all the best people do sweetie”

Her parents gave me a smiling nod of a thank you and I stood back up to see the little girl looking up at me puckering her lips. I wasn’t sure how to respond to her without hurting her feelings and so I said

“high five!” And gave her little hand a high five

She was so sweet it made me want to cry that her parents were so scared when in actuality they have a daughter who at even such a young age, knows exactly who she is. I was impressed.

Before they left the girl came running to me in the middle of the aisle and gave me the biggest hug.

AND the parents gave me a $15 dollar tip…which is always a good thing

THING FIVE : PROJECT

My last thought of the day is that I don’t understand how people expect you to hear them when they whisper.

I don’t understand why people think it is acceptable to whisper their order.

It’s rude.

I used to get in trouble with my parents for being too loud. But I would much rather have someone boisterous whose order I could actually HEAR then a mouse who I have to have repeat their order 3 times.

Moral of the story, when you order food at a restaurant…speak up because whispering will just get you the Cajun Chicken instead of the Fried Shrimp that you wanted.

Oh Lordy!

I’m a firm believer in fate and previous to today I was concerned that I hadn’t put my blog up for this last weekend yet. However, last night something presented it self that must be shared with the world and makes me so happy that I can open my blog with this.

Trust me this story is hilarious…otherwise I wouldn’t tell it mainly because I know that after reading this my mother will call me in terror over what I’m about to tell you.

But it’s so funny I’m willing to take that risk

So yesterday I am walking through target. I am thinking that I am looking pretty good because not only did I just shower but I also spent time doing my make up and doing my hair. Why did I do my hair at night you ask? I have a theory that if I go to bed looking pretty I wont have to try as hard in the morning to touch myself up and look good for class.

ANYWAY. I am innocently examining the birthday cards section of target trying to decide which card is both awesome and not ridiculously overpriced. Seriously, what marketing genius thought people would buy birthday cards for 10 dollars.

I settle on a card that I realize I can write a hilarious anecdote on and as I am celebrating in my victory this kid comes up to me. Somewhere between the ages of 18-25. Though I think anything over 21 would be pushing it for his age. He was definitely in college but definitely not an upperclassmen.

So my “prince charming” swoops up next to me resting his body on the card stand and as he smiles with his crooked tooth. Yes I said tooth because it seemed that you could only see one of them on the top of his mouth because they were back to back which reminds me of the old school military defense America used to use where there would be a line of men and then an equal line behind them and when the front people died then the next line moved forward to take their place.

I’m not sure what that has to do with my obvious lovers tooth problem but I thought it should be noted.

Where were we? Oh YES! So prince charming swoops up and leans against the card stand and our exchange goes something like this.

(I’d like to note that while I do enjoy embellishing my stories to add flavor it should be noted that this is a word for word transcription of this conversation…there was no need to embellish this)

Creeper: Hey there can you help me?...you look like a nice non-violent type of person.

Me: (pulls bag closer to body and makes sure that its zipped in case this is a thief and his partner in crime is going to steal my wallet while he sweet talks me…which would be difficult because my credit card was resting safely in my bra at the moment) …..hey?

Creeper: I need help I’m in so much pain

Me: ….. ummmm (I would also like to note that at this point the woman with her child who was also in the aisle left. I’m glad to know that if this was some kidnapper or serial rapist, the people of Bloomington …would do absolutely nothing)

Creeper: I’m in pain because I’ve never seen someone so beautiful and my heart isn’t used to such beauty

Me : ok

Creeper: You are the most gorgeous girl I have ever seen

Me: thanks?

Creeper: Would you like to go out sometime?

Me: …I have someone in my life (I decided that by stating that I had a scary boyfriend [which I don’t] that he would feel less inclined to stalk me as my imaginary boyfriend could beat him up)

Creeper: (grabs my arm) That’s ok we can make him jealous

Me: (nervous laughter)

Creeper: Do you like chicken?

Me: sure…

Creeper: cause I can cook…high five for guys who can cook!

Me: (I high five him…not in a …I just made the touch down to win the Super Bowl way [though lets be honest that would result in a butt slap…which I never really understood that tendency with NFL players] but in a … you’re scary and I’m going to take the moment while I high five you to find my escape)

Creeper: So can I have your number?

Me: …well…I would say yes…but…I’m not going to (Ok…not the smoothest words that have ever come out of my mouth but I was in shock)

He pranced off in defeat…I went to the check out stand and got the HELL out of there. That was my Wednesday.

So this last weekend was 3 shifts of working at McYummy and I have so much to tell you that the length of this blog is going to be obscene. And by obscene I mean that I will be doing it in 2 parts. Today I will post all my info about Friday night and then tomorrow ill post about Saturday night and Sunday morning.

FRIDAY NIGHT

The Airhead strikes again –

Sometimes I am a dumbdumb. Not because I’m a girl but mainly because I think too fast and so I skip over things in my head. A lady ordered Fried Shrimp and I put in Shrimp Pasta in the computer. She yelled at me when I brought the wrong food.

I mean I understand, its like asking for an ipad for Christmas and you open up the box to find a coupon from your dad for “one week without having to take out the trash” ….thanks dad ill cherish it forever right next to the socks that grandma gave me. (this was a made up example…I get awesome Christmas gifts…usually because, like Rachel from Friends I like to send out a list of things I want for Christmas in varying price ranges…though I think one of my favorite things my mother has ever given me to this date is a stuffed butterfly that I named Steve Millip [ his eyes are falling off and kinda looks like what I assume a coke addict to look like after a week of rehab…he didn’t come that way I just sleep with him every night] ).

So I panic because I am now convinced that I am the worst server ever and at the same table I brought a guy French fries instead of onion strings.

Actually I’m surprised they tipped me so well.

But Andy, one of the managers fixes it all for me and I stop myself from crying.

I can be a bitch PART 1 –

So I made a promise that I wouldn’t try to be overbearing at work. Now as I like to take control of most situations, I have been very proud of myself for being such a team player instead of trying to do everything myself.

However, something happened that was unacceptable and I blew up at a cook.

I didn’t mean to do it.

But if you ask me if I regret it ill say no and here is why…

There is only one thing at McYummy’s with peanut butter. We pride ourselves on how its separate from everything else and you really can eat safe here.

We have this desert that is chocolate cake with chocolate fudge on the inside that melts out as you eat into it. Then on the top is a scoop of vanilla ice cream that is covered in a hard chocolate shell.

It basically tastes like what I imagine my first meal in heaven to taste like.

However, there is an identical one that instead of chocolate fudge on the inside has peanut butter. Its separate from all the over deserts we make and is made in a different oven.

So when a waiter came in and said that her customer bit into her cake and there was peanut butter instead of fudge and that the customer was mad because while they weren’t allergic to peanut butter they didn’t like the taste of it.

The cook basically said that he didn’t care and it wasn’t a big deal

Andy tried to explain that this couldn’t happen again and the guy was like “whatever”

Ummm….HELL NO!

So I run down there and I basically explain to him angrily

Yes it is a big deal senor! Because if I had been given that cake I would be DEAD right now and you would be out of a job and McYummy would have a huge lawsuit on their hands and so if he didn’t want to kill anyone he better make sure he checks where he gets his food from.

I didn’t mean to be mean but that is just unacceptable to be so careless about food.

Back Work Blues –

Back work is what makes me realize on a daily basis that some people were not meant to do hard labor…I am one of those people.

I am weak….and have no work ethic what so ever.

Now this is not true in any other facet of my life. Most people can tell you that I am one of the most dedicated hard workers that they know.

But when it comes to useless work….i am also useless

I just don’t know how to get enthused about trying to scrape all the chips from the chip machine. When they are all stuck in these evil little cracks.

I have been standing for 7 hours, I am drenched in sweat, my “waterproof” eyeliner is running down my face, and I’m one fajita tray away from collapsing from paralysis (more on that later)

Needless to say… back work sucks and it’s not like childbirth. Apparently when one gives birth to a child they forget the pain and that’s why they are able to have multiple children because they repress the memory of feeling like their uterus was going to explode like a time bomb. I do not forget that back work sucks after counting my tips. I still feel its gloomy presence hoarding over me as I work each day.

Thought you should know

The Hurricane Speaks –

Hurricane Josephine was my partner Friday night and we really had a bonding experience. We had the following four conversations that really moved me on a deeper level

Hurricane : You have a table. I thought It was mine so I took their drink order and then I told them that you forget it was your turn

Me: ….thanks?

Hurricane: I just had a 15 top and only made 10 dollars in tips

Me: (hides away receipt with a big tip)

Hurricane: clean my table

Me: ok?

Hurricane: the worst thing ever is when you have to roll silverware by yourself

Me: (begins to roll silverware)

Hurricane : (leaves table and I am alone rolling silverware)

So as you can see we are well on our way to founding a lifetime friendship full of slumber parties with mani/pedi’s and family cruises to St. Thomas.

Should I tip her? -

People surprise me.

One of the last tables I had was this couple. They seemed really nice and they were so good as customers. I had so much fun serving them and they even told me I was a great server.

So I bring them out their separate checks. The guy is incredulous at the price of his check but I mean what do you expect when you order both our best chicken and the steak.

The girls check is for 8 dollars.

So I run their credit cards and considering the guys response to his bill im not seeing a decent tip in my future. ...but then I am surprised at how the tables turned.

I’m busing one of the tables nearby their table and over hear their conversation.

Girl: do I have to tip her

Boy: what do you mean do I have to tip her?

Girl: my check is already 8 dollars I don’t want to spend any more money

Boy: If you don’t tip her she doesn’t make any money

Girl : So…that’s not my problem

(meanwhile im over at the table nearby about to cry)

Boy: WOMAN! This is her first day…you’re going to tip her whether you like it or not.

This cracked me up. The guy who I figured was super pissed at me was standing up for me and I ended up getting a solid tip for the table…it made me happy

F*** -

So my first table of the night went splendidly…and by splendidly I mean I drop the F-Bomb in front of three 8 year olds. It was on accident and I don’t throw the F-Bomb around. I like to savor it and use it when it is most useful…when I am in immense physical pain…if you plan on being in the delivery room when I have children I can tell you now that F*** will be the first word my child hears in this world and I’m ok with that.

So I bring out a thing of sizzling fajitas and I always try to be careful with the cast iron skillet (that was just set on fire before I brought it out) that is burning as it’s only been off the stove for 30 seconds. However I am not careful enough and I burn the side of my thumb

I apologize for having this table eat with the smell of burning flesh surrounding them and sulk into the kitchen.

HOLY M**** F*****, SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!! F*** F*** F*** F***

I would like to mention that my thumb still looks deformed from the 3^rd degree burn and its 6 days later.

Oops !

So I definitely remembered about an hour into Friday night, which was my second shift at McYummy, that I am supposed to card people who get alcohol…oops

Pain…Pain…Go AWAY….come again…NEVER!!!

I literally came home from this shift at 11:45pm and cried. I have had some pretty intense workouts in my life but never have I felt so much pain as I have after serving for 7 hours. It was like someone took a sledgehammer to my shoulders. I would recommend that if they want to torture prisoners at Guantanamo Bay to stop water boarding and make them serve tables on a busy Friday night.

I would give up state secrets if threatened with that. But that’s also because I can drink water at an exponentially faster rate than anyone i know and that I think would give me an advantage in a prisoner of war type situation

That Was My Friday…stay tuned for Saturday and Sunday (oh boy!)