I’m a firm believer in fate and previous to today I was concerned that I hadn’t put my blog up for this last weekend yet. However, last night something presented it self that must be shared with the world and makes me so happy that I can open my blog with this.
Trust me this story is hilarious…otherwise I wouldn’t tell it mainly because I know that after reading this my mother will call me in terror over what I’m about to tell you.
But it’s so funny I’m willing to take that risk
So yesterday I am walking through target. I am thinking that I am looking pretty good because not only did I just shower but I also spent time doing my make up and doing my hair. Why did I do my hair at night you ask? I have a theory that if I go to bed looking pretty I wont have to try as hard in the morning to touch myself up and look good for class.
ANYWAY. I am innocently examining the birthday cards section of target trying to decide which card is both awesome and not ridiculously overpriced. Seriously, what marketing genius thought people would buy birthday cards for 10 dollars.
I settle on a card that I realize I can write a hilarious anecdote on and as I am celebrating in my victory this kid comes up to me. Somewhere between the ages of 18-25. Though I think anything over 21 would be pushing it for his age. He was definitely in college but definitely not an upperclassmen.
So my “prince charming” swoops up next to me resting his body on the card stand and as he smiles with his crooked tooth. Yes I said tooth because it seemed that you could only see one of them on the top of his mouth because they were back to back which reminds me of the old school military defense America used to use where there would be a line of men and then an equal line behind them and when the front people died then the next line moved forward to take their place.
I’m not sure what that has to do with my obvious lovers tooth problem but I thought it should be noted.
Where were we? Oh YES! So prince charming swoops up and leans against the card stand and our exchange goes something like this.
(I’d like to note that while I do enjoy embellishing my stories to add flavor it should be noted that this is a word for word transcription of this conversation…there was no need to embellish this)
Creeper: Hey there can you help me?...you look like a nice non-violent type of person.
Me: (pulls bag closer to body and makes sure that its zipped in case this is a thief and his partner in crime is going to steal my wallet while he sweet talks me…which would be difficult because my credit card was resting safely in my bra at the moment) …..hey?
Creeper: I need help I’m in so much pain
Me: ….. ummmm (I would also like to note that at this point the woman with her child who was also in the aisle left. I’m glad to know that if this was some kidnapper or serial rapist, the people of Bloomington …would do absolutely nothing)
Creeper: I’m in pain because I’ve never seen someone so beautiful and my heart isn’t used to such beauty
Me : ok
Creeper: You are the most gorgeous girl I have ever seen
Me: thanks?
Creeper: Would you like to go out sometime?
Me: …I have someone in my life (I decided that by stating that I had a scary boyfriend [which I don’t] that he would feel less inclined to stalk me as my imaginary boyfriend could beat him up)
Creeper: (grabs my arm) That’s ok we can make him jealous
Me: (nervous laughter)
Creeper: Do you like chicken?
Me: sure…
Creeper: cause I can cook…high five for guys who can cook!
Me: (I high five him…not in a …I just made the touch down to win the Super Bowl way [though lets be honest that would result in a butt slap…which I never really understood that tendency with NFL players] but in a … you’re scary and I’m going to take the moment while I high five you to find my escape)
Creeper: So can I have your number?
Me: …well…I would say yes…but…I’m not going to (Ok…not the smoothest words that have ever come out of my mouth but I was in shock)
He pranced off in defeat…I went to the check out stand and got the HELL out of there. That was my Wednesday.
So this last weekend was 3 shifts of working at McYummy and I have so much to tell you that the length of this blog is going to be obscene. And by obscene I mean that I will be doing it in 2 parts. Today I will post all my info about Friday night and then tomorrow ill post about Saturday night and Sunday morning.
FRIDAY NIGHT
The Airhead strikes again –
Sometimes I am a dumbdumb. Not because I’m a girl but mainly because I think too fast and so I skip over things in my head. A lady ordered Fried Shrimp and I put in Shrimp Pasta in the computer. She yelled at me when I brought the wrong food.
I mean I understand, its like asking for an ipad for Christmas and you open up the box to find a coupon from your dad for “one week without having to take out the trash” ….thanks dad ill cherish it forever right next to the socks that grandma gave me. (this was a made up example…I get awesome Christmas gifts…usually because, like Rachel from Friends I like to send out a list of things I want for Christmas in varying price ranges…though I think one of my favorite things my mother has ever given me to this date is a stuffed butterfly that I named Steve Millip [ his eyes are falling off and kinda looks like what I assume a coke addict to look like after a week of rehab…he didn’t come that way I just sleep with him every night] ).
So I panic because I am now convinced that I am the worst server ever and at the same table I brought a guy French fries instead of onion strings.
Actually I’m surprised they tipped me so well.
But Andy, one of the managers fixes it all for me and I stop myself from crying.
I can be a bitch PART 1 –
So I made a promise that I wouldn’t try to be overbearing at work. Now as I like to take control of most situations, I have been very proud of myself for being such a team player instead of trying to do everything myself.
However, something happened that was unacceptable and I blew up at a cook.
I didn’t mean to do it.
But if you ask me if I regret it ill say no and here is why…
There is only one thing at McYummy’s with peanut butter. We pride ourselves on how its separate from everything else and you really can eat safe here.
We have this desert that is chocolate cake with chocolate fudge on the inside that melts out as you eat into it. Then on the top is a scoop of vanilla ice cream that is covered in a hard chocolate shell.
It basically tastes like what I imagine my first meal in heaven to taste like.
However, there is an identical one that instead of chocolate fudge on the inside has peanut butter. Its separate from all the over deserts we make and is made in a different oven.
So when a waiter came in and said that her customer bit into her cake and there was peanut butter instead of fudge and that the customer was mad because while they weren’t allergic to peanut butter they didn’t like the taste of it.
The cook basically said that he didn’t care and it wasn’t a big deal
Andy tried to explain that this couldn’t happen again and the guy was like “whatever”
Ummm….HELL NO!
So I run down there and I basically explain to him angrily
Yes it is a big deal senor! Because if I had been given that cake I would be DEAD right now and you would be out of a job and McYummy would have a huge lawsuit on their hands and so if he didn’t want to kill anyone he better make sure he checks where he gets his food from.
I didn’t mean to be mean but that is just unacceptable to be so careless about food.
Back Work Blues –
Back work is what makes me realize on a daily basis that some people were not meant to do hard labor…I am one of those people.
I am weak….and have no work ethic what so ever.
Now this is not true in any other facet of my life. Most people can tell you that I am one of the most dedicated hard workers that they know.
But when it comes to useless work….i am also useless
I just don’t know how to get enthused about trying to scrape all the chips from the chip machine. When they are all stuck in these evil little cracks.
I have been standing for 7 hours, I am drenched in sweat, my “waterproof” eyeliner is running down my face, and I’m one fajita tray away from collapsing from paralysis (more on that later)
Needless to say… back work sucks and it’s not like childbirth. Apparently when one gives birth to a child they forget the pain and that’s why they are able to have multiple children because they repress the memory of feeling like their uterus was going to explode like a time bomb. I do not forget that back work sucks after counting my tips. I still feel its gloomy presence hoarding over me as I work each day.
Thought you should know
The Hurricane Speaks –
Hurricane Josephine was my partner Friday night and we really had a bonding experience. We had the following four conversations that really moved me on a deeper level
Hurricane : You have a table. I thought It was mine so I took their drink order and then I told them that you forget it was your turn
Me: ….thanks?
Hurricane: I just had a 15 top and only made 10 dollars in tips
Me: (hides away receipt with a big tip)
Hurricane: clean my table
Me: ok?
Hurricane: the worst thing ever is when you have to roll silverware by yourself
Me: (begins to roll silverware)
Hurricane : (leaves table and I am alone rolling silverware)
So as you can see we are well on our way to founding a lifetime friendship full of slumber parties with mani/pedi’s and family cruises to St. Thomas.
Should I tip her? -
People surprise me.
One of the last tables I had was this couple. They seemed really nice and they were so good as customers. I had so much fun serving them and they even told me I was a great server.
So I bring them out their separate checks. The guy is incredulous at the price of his check but I mean what do you expect when you order both our best chicken and the steak.
The girls check is for 8 dollars.
So I run their credit cards and considering the guys response to his bill im not seeing a decent tip in my future. ...but then I am surprised at how the tables turned.
I’m busing one of the tables nearby their table and over hear their conversation.
Girl: do I have to tip her
Boy: what do you mean do I have to tip her?
Girl: my check is already 8 dollars I don’t want to spend any more money
Boy: If you don’t tip her she doesn’t make any money
Girl : So…that’s not my problem
(meanwhile im over at the table nearby about to cry)
Boy: WOMAN! This is her first day…you’re going to tip her whether you like it or not.
This cracked me up. The guy who I figured was super pissed at me was standing up for me and I ended up getting a solid tip for the table…it made me happy
F*** -
So my first table of the night went splendidly…and by splendidly I mean I drop the F-Bomb in front of three 8 year olds. It was on accident and I don’t throw the F-Bomb around. I like to savor it and use it when it is most useful…when I am in immense physical pain…if you plan on being in the delivery room when I have children I can tell you now that F*** will be the first word my child hears in this world and I’m ok with that.
So I bring out a thing of sizzling fajitas and I always try to be careful with the cast iron skillet (that was just set on fire before I brought it out) that is burning as it’s only been off the stove for 30 seconds. However I am not careful enough and I burn the side of my thumb
I apologize for having this table eat with the smell of burning flesh surrounding them and sulk into the kitchen.
HOLY M**** F*****, SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!! F*** F*** F*** F***
I would like to mention that my thumb still looks deformed from the 3rd degree burn and its 6 days later.
Oops !
So I definitely remembered about an hour into Friday night, which was my second shift at McYummy, that I am supposed to card people who get alcohol…oops
Pain…Pain…Go AWAY….come again…NEVER!!!
I literally came home from this shift at 11:45pm and cried. I have had some pretty intense workouts in my life but never have I felt so much pain as I have after serving for 7 hours. It was like someone took a sledgehammer to my shoulders. I would recommend that if they want to torture prisoners at Guantanamo Bay to stop water boarding and make them serve tables on a busy Friday night.
I would give up state secrets if threatened with that. But that’s also because I can drink water at an exponentially faster rate than anyone i know and that I think would give me an advantage in a prisoner of war type situation
That Was My Friday…stay tuned for Saturday and Sunday (oh boy!)
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