Oh Lordy!

I’m a firm believer in fate and previous to today I was concerned that I hadn’t put my blog up for this last weekend yet. However, last night something presented it self that must be shared with the world and makes me so happy that I can open my blog with this.

Trust me this story is hilarious…otherwise I wouldn’t tell it mainly because I know that after reading this my mother will call me in terror over what I’m about to tell you.

But it’s so funny I’m willing to take that risk

So yesterday I am walking through target. I am thinking that I am looking pretty good because not only did I just shower but I also spent time doing my make up and doing my hair. Why did I do my hair at night you ask? I have a theory that if I go to bed looking pretty I wont have to try as hard in the morning to touch myself up and look good for class.

ANYWAY. I am innocently examining the birthday cards section of target trying to decide which card is both awesome and not ridiculously overpriced. Seriously, what marketing genius thought people would buy birthday cards for 10 dollars.

I settle on a card that I realize I can write a hilarious anecdote on and as I am celebrating in my victory this kid comes up to me. Somewhere between the ages of 18-25. Though I think anything over 21 would be pushing it for his age. He was definitely in college but definitely not an upperclassmen.

So my “prince charming” swoops up next to me resting his body on the card stand and as he smiles with his crooked tooth. Yes I said tooth because it seemed that you could only see one of them on the top of his mouth because they were back to back which reminds me of the old school military defense America used to use where there would be a line of men and then an equal line behind them and when the front people died then the next line moved forward to take their place.

I’m not sure what that has to do with my obvious lovers tooth problem but I thought it should be noted.

Where were we? Oh YES! So prince charming swoops up and leans against the card stand and our exchange goes something like this.

(I’d like to note that while I do enjoy embellishing my stories to add flavor it should be noted that this is a word for word transcription of this conversation…there was no need to embellish this)

Creeper: Hey there can you help me?...you look like a nice non-violent type of person.

Me: (pulls bag closer to body and makes sure that its zipped in case this is a thief and his partner in crime is going to steal my wallet while he sweet talks me…which would be difficult because my credit card was resting safely in my bra at the moment) …..hey?

Creeper: I need help I’m in so much pain

Me: ….. ummmm (I would also like to note that at this point the woman with her child who was also in the aisle left. I’m glad to know that if this was some kidnapper or serial rapist, the people of Bloomington …would do absolutely nothing)

Creeper: I’m in pain because I’ve never seen someone so beautiful and my heart isn’t used to such beauty

Me : ok

Creeper: You are the most gorgeous girl I have ever seen

Me: thanks?

Creeper: Would you like to go out sometime?

Me: …I have someone in my life (I decided that by stating that I had a scary boyfriend [which I don’t] that he would feel less inclined to stalk me as my imaginary boyfriend could beat him up)

Creeper: (grabs my arm) That’s ok we can make him jealous

Me: (nervous laughter)

Creeper: Do you like chicken?

Me: sure…

Creeper: cause I can cook…high five for guys who can cook!

Me: (I high five him…not in a …I just made the touch down to win the Super Bowl way [though lets be honest that would result in a butt slap…which I never really understood that tendency with NFL players] but in a … you’re scary and I’m going to take the moment while I high five you to find my escape)

Creeper: So can I have your number?

Me: …well…I would say yes…but…I’m not going to (Ok…not the smoothest words that have ever come out of my mouth but I was in shock)

He pranced off in defeat…I went to the check out stand and got the HELL out of there. That was my Wednesday.

So this last weekend was 3 shifts of working at McYummy and I have so much to tell you that the length of this blog is going to be obscene. And by obscene I mean that I will be doing it in 2 parts. Today I will post all my info about Friday night and then tomorrow ill post about Saturday night and Sunday morning.

FRIDAY NIGHT

The Airhead strikes again –

Sometimes I am a dumbdumb. Not because I’m a girl but mainly because I think too fast and so I skip over things in my head. A lady ordered Fried Shrimp and I put in Shrimp Pasta in the computer. She yelled at me when I brought the wrong food.

I mean I understand, its like asking for an ipad for Christmas and you open up the box to find a coupon from your dad for “one week without having to take out the trash” ….thanks dad ill cherish it forever right next to the socks that grandma gave me. (this was a made up example…I get awesome Christmas gifts…usually because, like Rachel from Friends I like to send out a list of things I want for Christmas in varying price ranges…though I think one of my favorite things my mother has ever given me to this date is a stuffed butterfly that I named Steve Millip [ his eyes are falling off and kinda looks like what I assume a coke addict to look like after a week of rehab…he didn’t come that way I just sleep with him every night] ).

So I panic because I am now convinced that I am the worst server ever and at the same table I brought a guy French fries instead of onion strings.

Actually I’m surprised they tipped me so well.

But Andy, one of the managers fixes it all for me and I stop myself from crying.

I can be a bitch PART 1 –

So I made a promise that I wouldn’t try to be overbearing at work. Now as I like to take control of most situations, I have been very proud of myself for being such a team player instead of trying to do everything myself.

However, something happened that was unacceptable and I blew up at a cook.

I didn’t mean to do it.

But if you ask me if I regret it ill say no and here is why…

There is only one thing at McYummy’s with peanut butter. We pride ourselves on how its separate from everything else and you really can eat safe here.

We have this desert that is chocolate cake with chocolate fudge on the inside that melts out as you eat into it. Then on the top is a scoop of vanilla ice cream that is covered in a hard chocolate shell.

It basically tastes like what I imagine my first meal in heaven to taste like.

However, there is an identical one that instead of chocolate fudge on the inside has peanut butter. Its separate from all the over deserts we make and is made in a different oven.

So when a waiter came in and said that her customer bit into her cake and there was peanut butter instead of fudge and that the customer was mad because while they weren’t allergic to peanut butter they didn’t like the taste of it.

The cook basically said that he didn’t care and it wasn’t a big deal

Andy tried to explain that this couldn’t happen again and the guy was like “whatever”

Ummm….HELL NO!

So I run down there and I basically explain to him angrily

Yes it is a big deal senor! Because if I had been given that cake I would be DEAD right now and you would be out of a job and McYummy would have a huge lawsuit on their hands and so if he didn’t want to kill anyone he better make sure he checks where he gets his food from.

I didn’t mean to be mean but that is just unacceptable to be so careless about food.

Back Work Blues –

Back work is what makes me realize on a daily basis that some people were not meant to do hard labor…I am one of those people.

I am weak….and have no work ethic what so ever.

Now this is not true in any other facet of my life. Most people can tell you that I am one of the most dedicated hard workers that they know.

But when it comes to useless work….i am also useless

I just don’t know how to get enthused about trying to scrape all the chips from the chip machine. When they are all stuck in these evil little cracks.

I have been standing for 7 hours, I am drenched in sweat, my “waterproof” eyeliner is running down my face, and I’m one fajita tray away from collapsing from paralysis (more on that later)

Needless to say… back work sucks and it’s not like childbirth. Apparently when one gives birth to a child they forget the pain and that’s why they are able to have multiple children because they repress the memory of feeling like their uterus was going to explode like a time bomb. I do not forget that back work sucks after counting my tips. I still feel its gloomy presence hoarding over me as I work each day.

Thought you should know

The Hurricane Speaks –

Hurricane Josephine was my partner Friday night and we really had a bonding experience. We had the following four conversations that really moved me on a deeper level

Hurricane : You have a table. I thought It was mine so I took their drink order and then I told them that you forget it was your turn

Me: ….thanks?

Hurricane: I just had a 15 top and only made 10 dollars in tips

Me: (hides away receipt with a big tip)

Hurricane: clean my table

Me: ok?

Hurricane: the worst thing ever is when you have to roll silverware by yourself

Me: (begins to roll silverware)

Hurricane : (leaves table and I am alone rolling silverware)

So as you can see we are well on our way to founding a lifetime friendship full of slumber parties with mani/pedi’s and family cruises to St. Thomas.

Should I tip her? -

People surprise me.

One of the last tables I had was this couple. They seemed really nice and they were so good as customers. I had so much fun serving them and they even told me I was a great server.

So I bring them out their separate checks. The guy is incredulous at the price of his check but I mean what do you expect when you order both our best chicken and the steak.

The girls check is for 8 dollars.

So I run their credit cards and considering the guys response to his bill im not seeing a decent tip in my future. ...but then I am surprised at how the tables turned.

I’m busing one of the tables nearby their table and over hear their conversation.

Girl: do I have to tip her

Boy: what do you mean do I have to tip her?

Girl: my check is already 8 dollars I don’t want to spend any more money

Boy: If you don’t tip her she doesn’t make any money

Girl : So…that’s not my problem

(meanwhile im over at the table nearby about to cry)

Boy: WOMAN! This is her first day…you’re going to tip her whether you like it or not.

This cracked me up. The guy who I figured was super pissed at me was standing up for me and I ended up getting a solid tip for the table…it made me happy

F*** -

So my first table of the night went splendidly…and by splendidly I mean I drop the F-Bomb in front of three 8 year olds. It was on accident and I don’t throw the F-Bomb around. I like to savor it and use it when it is most useful…when I am in immense physical pain…if you plan on being in the delivery room when I have children I can tell you now that F*** will be the first word my child hears in this world and I’m ok with that.

So I bring out a thing of sizzling fajitas and I always try to be careful with the cast iron skillet (that was just set on fire before I brought it out) that is burning as it’s only been off the stove for 30 seconds. However I am not careful enough and I burn the side of my thumb

I apologize for having this table eat with the smell of burning flesh surrounding them and sulk into the kitchen.

HOLY M**** F*****, SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!!!! F*** F*** F*** F***

I would like to mention that my thumb still looks deformed from the 3^rd degree burn and its 6 days later.

Oops !

So I definitely remembered about an hour into Friday night, which was my second shift at McYummy, that I am supposed to card people who get alcohol…oops

Pain…Pain…Go AWAY….come again…NEVER!!!

I literally came home from this shift at 11:45pm and cried. I have had some pretty intense workouts in my life but never have I felt so much pain as I have after serving for 7 hours. It was like someone took a sledgehammer to my shoulders. I would recommend that if they want to torture prisoners at Guantanamo Bay to stop water boarding and make them serve tables on a busy Friday night.

I would give up state secrets if threatened with that. But that’s also because I can drink water at an exponentially faster rate than anyone i know and that I think would give me an advantage in a prisoner of war type situation

That Was My Friday…stay tuned for Saturday and Sunday (oh boy!)

Terrorists and Tippers

There is a terrorist organization living in my apartment
The Garbage Terrorists have banned together with the Sink Terrorists to create an “Axis” type bond in efforts to take over my life and I am alone
No one will join the Allies…so I guess really I should call myself the Ally considering that I am just one person.

However, WWIV is going splendidly and I feel that I am just days away from killing off the terrorists formally known as fruit flies.

This all started when a person who shall remain nameless (YES YOU ELIZABETH) ate some sort of sugary food and left their sugary bowl in the sink and a day later…to my dismay…the attack on the homeland had begun.

I have acquired the best defense weapons at my disposal and so I would like to take a minute to say… haha you terrorists I hope you are enjoying drowning in my apple cider vinegar you filthy little monsters

On a brighter note… McYummy does not have fruit flies and I thought that it should be noted

So yesterday was my first real day as a server…it was intense. In addition to things I must share about yesterday, I realized I had forgotten quite a bit last time.

THINGS I SHOULD HAVE MENTIONED LAST WEEK

Discovery #1 : We eat your food
There are many people who will look at their food and deem before you even put it down that it isn’t right.
Now I’m not sure how someone can look at French fries as I’m walking with them to the customer and claim that they aren’t hot enough when the said fries are not even within grabbing distance of the customer.
However, I find all these crazy idiosyncrasies wonderful because if
1) you haven’t touched your food
2) its not like…disgusting
We the servers will be eating it….i quite enjoy eating your food and this was a wonderful surprise

Discovery #2: Hooters
When discussing my need to still buy a shirt with the McYummy logo on it I discovered that I should buy my shirt a size smaller because I would make greater tips…interesting

Discovery #3: Technology Man
On my last day of training I had a man sit down with a Bluetooth headset on and his laptop ready and open.

I got his drinks and when I returned he had out a nook. When I brought him his appetizer out he had out his ipad…So at this point he was simultaneously using his Iphone via his Bluetooth, a laptop, a nook, and an ipad.
Well this obviously seemed like the end of his Marry Poppins bag of electronic toys.

But as I brought out the entrees he pulled out his Kindle to show his dining mate his new investment.
Now I love technology…and I could understand reasons for having each device. But I would like to understand why someone would need to use all of them at once. I mean I use my fan, tv, dvd player and my computer at once. But when is there ever a need to have 3 e readers open at the same time.

Thats like if i needed 3 tv's so i could watch 3 separate episodes of friends at the same time. (actually that sounds awesome)

Perhaps if you had them laying out then you could read one page on one…the next on the other device and then the last page on the last device. Thus having to turn pages only every three pages.

Overall I just found this funny because this man left a 5 dollar tip on a HUGE bill and lets be honest if you can afford a nook, kindle, and ipad…I think you can afford to tip better than that

Discovery #4: Cleanliness is next to Godliness
Everyone washes their hands so much (myself included) and I was pleasantly surprised because I always wonder what kinds of germs get passed around restaurants.
Everyone at McYummy is very proactive in making sure their hands are completely clean at all times.
Which is good…because I touch your used food.
Like when you drop a hamburger patty on the floor
Or lettuce
I get to pick it up
Its one of the many joys of life I grabbing moist…dirty…used food


- - -

Ok so that was everything that I had forgotten…Now to the epic narrative of my evening last night.

I was so ready to serve last night. It was Father’s Day and so in preparation I had on my skinny jeans and my smaller black polo ready to rake in the tips.

They always say that you know before you’re going to die. There is stillness in the air and time sort of moves in slow motion as you watch the car coming towards you or the gun being shot.

I would equate my first 10 minutes of serving to this feeling.

Every section has two servers and you switch off tables. Well my partner was not at work yet and somehow the hostesses were unaware that I was alone

…well I hope they were unaware, because otherwise this was a cruel mean joke…

So I get my first table of 10 people! Yay!!
As I’m going to greet them another table is sat with four people...
Before I finish greeting the first table and can even get to the 2nd table to say hi the hosts are seating me another table of 10
For those of you not so good at basic math….24 people
Within a 5-minute period I was seated 24 people that I had the sole job to take of…great…NOT
This is how my first day started

As previously mentioned, I made a promise…to not cry at work. Well I almost broke this promise.

My hands were shaking
My legs were shaking
Then the stillness came and knew that this was it…this was how my serving career would end.
I had people from 3 tables yelling at me and 24 drink and food orders to put in.

(Note: They were not yelling at me because I am a bad waitress. But both big tables had people who decided they would order for everyone. So when I brought around the drinks and people told me that is not what they wanted they got upset

Well…I’m sorry. I ASKED if what control freak at the front of the table was correct on the orders and no one said no.
When I stare at you, and we make eye contact, and I ask you “you want sweet tea right” and you smile and nod your head…im going to assume that means yes…as opposed to the dr. pepper you ASSUMED was coming to you” )

Just when I was about to crash under the pressure Sally came to my rescue and asked if I needed help. I would throw Sally a parade if I could. With floats made of flowers and candy like the Rose Bowl.

All the servers were so nice to me and helped me out so much in serving those tables. They were also all really pissed at the hosts for doing that to me.

It was a really intense way to start off my shift.

Overall the rest of the night went really well and everyone thought I did great for my first shift. I didn’t spill food on anyone which that right there is a success.

OBSERVATIONS ON MY FIRST NIGHT AS A SERVER

Well first off I have to say that I’m so pumped I have an apron because now I have almost my whole Halloween costume for this year. All I need is a Merlotte’s t-shirt and I can be Sookie from True Blood

Observation #1: Boys will be Boys
As I entered McYummy I saw 4 of the male servers glued to the window watching a sorority girl in yoga pants walk to her car.

I learned that apparently there is a system where the guys will inform each other of the hotties at the restaurant and then at various times the menfolk will walk by the table to then confer in the kitchen on their thoughts on said hot female.

In the midst of my serving freak-out … Brian walks through the kitchen
Brian : “MILF AT TABLE 71!!!....I GOT A MILF!!!!”

Well apparently the presence of a hot older lady supersedes all known protocol because all the guys ran out together to check out the MILF as opposed to their normal tag-team viewing system.

Observation #2: Some people won’t be your friend
There are two people on staff who for some reason do not like me.
One is a waitress who from now on will be called Hurricane Josephine.
Josephine refuses to talk to me. She was working three of my training days and each day I tried to introduce myself and get to know her. Each time her response was to look at me with disdain and walk away.
She wouldn’t even tell me her name! I had to find out from someone else. I find it perfectly adequate that her name is also the name of a hurricane.

(remember all names are changed in my stories so her name isn’t actually Josephine but Josephine is another hurricane name like ******* so it seemed appropriate)

Well yesterday I decided I would make friends with Hurricane Josephine and the Surly Mexican Cook. All the other cooks like me and we joke around. So all shift…to no avail I might add… I tried to talk and make friends with the Hurricane and My Fiesta friend.

But apparently they do not want to be my friend. Even though I offered to run food for Josephine and tried using some Spanish words with Mexico.

It is frustrating but their loss as I am a great friend to most people

Observation #3: People in this country are bad tippers

You know who you are

Stop doing it

When I make your child stop crying ….i deserve more than a 10% tip. Because
1) he threw chicken at me
2) Since you were so determined that he doesn’t have mac and cheese. I convinced him that we were out
3) I found him extra crayons
4) I got him new chicken after he threw his chicken at me

Observation #4: Professor Trelawney

This sort of belongs in the last observation but deserves its own story time.
So my last table of the day was 4 people
A man who said he was English but talked like he was from Australia and looked like he lived in the boonies
His daughter who nods a lot
A woman who I thought was his wife but they were on separate checks and she never once spoke the entire time…I found this odd
And a woman who looks exactly like Professor Trelawney from Harry Potter. I mean identical. I’ve attached a photo so you can understand the full effect.

Now I gave them great service. I was not swamped like I had been earlier and still managed to make 15-18% tips on my checks average. Which apparently is really good for my first day (yay).

Now I know that Professor Trelawney did not like me. I’m unsure as to why this is but I’m sure. She did this thing where she would be looking down and slowly turn her head up towards me till she was looking me in the eye (i say eye because she really only looked into one of my eyes as she did her weird bird head move thing) and she would stop and say

Prof T. “it's wrong”

And so I would ask her what she didn’t like
She wanted her ice removed from her Sweet Tea
So I got her a new sweet tea without ice and brought it back

Creepy head turn
Prof T. “it's wrong”

She wanted the sweet tea with the essence of ice.
I was supposed to take the sweet tea into a cup with ice and then pour it out of that cup into a new cup that had no ice
So I did that and she look at me as if I was an imbecile and dismissed me to go fetch her food

I brought out her fajitas and she wanted to know why they were still fuming from the stove. I explained that they are sizzling and that’s the whole point…you know…since they are called…SIZZLING Fajitas

She must have deemed that this was acceptable and went back to her eating.

So the checks were the English/aussie/boonies man and his daughter
And the mute(not actually a mute because I saw her talking when I was away from the table)/Prof. T

The English and the Aussie left an O.K. tip
The Mute and Prof T crossed out the tip section on their credit card slip. I wasn’t concerned because other people had done this and then left cash tips instead.
So I closely watched their table and when they left I was right there ready to get my tip.

I lifted up the glasses…no tip
I lifted up the plates….no tip
I looked under the table
In between the cushions
In the sugar dispenser …no tip

SERIOUSLY!!!! SERIOUSLY!!! I get this woman the essence of ice in her sweet tea and I don’t get a tip.

Rude

Observation #5 : Bodily Functions take a 2nd seat

So my last observation about serving is that you forget about basic needs while serving.

For example I forgot to sit for 6 and a half hours.

I also forgot to pee

Which I know you all wanted to know

But let me tell you….you forget to pee for almost 7 hours

And when you finally do remember it is a blissful moment.

So when I went to sit down to roll silverware my legs buckled.

They were like

“hey…remember us…well we hate you now…it was bad enough you use us to tap dance but NOW you wont let us rest... oh ok fine see how you feel in the morning bitch”

yea…my legs were sore this morning.

So that’s my thoughts on my first night of serving. It was definitely not what I expected. But so far I love 99.9 percent of the people I work with and so any bad things that have happened really don’t phase me because everyone I work with makes the environment so much fun.

I Will Not Cry At Work

I will not CRY
I will NOT CRY
I WILL NOT CRY!!!!

I refuse to cry at work
It will not happen!!

Unless of course I accidentally chop off an appendage in which case I feel like that would be a verifiable moment to cry.

So yesterday (or possibly two days ago depending on when exactly I put this up as it is currently 11:32 on Thursday evening and so this could easily end up going up technically on Friday)

So to clarify…on Wednesday I had my 4th day of training which was quite an emotional experience.

So at the end of each day you have to take a test on the food that you learned about that day. Each test is 100 questions and you must get 90 questions right to pass. Well…I had been doing splendidly but apparently on day three I got an 85. So when I showed up for work on Wednesday my trainer from Tuesday informed me of this and so I asked her if I needed to take it again and she said she didn’t know and had to ask the manager

PANIC!!!

I was freaking…if you don’t pass these tests you get fired. I mean I was going to be taken out of the game before I even went up to bat. So NOT ideal.

So the manager appears… lets call him … Daniel. He looks at me and wags his finger for me to follow him and we sit down at a table to go over the questions I got wrong verbally.

So I sit down…

Daniel : You know you have to get a 90 or better and this isn’t cutting it…are you not studying

Me (inside my head) : don’t cry…don’t cry…don’t cry…FUCK YES IM STUDYING I'VE SPENT ALL NIGHT EVERY NIGHT MAKING STUPID ASS NOTECARDS…don’t cry… TO STUDY FOR THESE STUPID TESTS ...don't cry ...90% OF WHICH CONSIST OF FOOD …don’t cry…THAT IS NO LONGER ON THE MENU!!!!!

Me (out loud): yes of course I’m studying I’m very serious about this

Daniel : (begins to ask me questions about what is in various margarita’s [there’s like 12] and what they taste like) Well why don’t you know what is in them…yummy cannot be used on every answer for this

Me (out loud): Well the margaritas were not in the study guide or in the menu that you gave to me to study. I mentioned this to you yesterday and the day before.

Daniel : Well so what do these alcohols taste like

Me (out loud) : I don’t know…like all tequila and various liqueurs taste like

Me (inside my head) : Seriously…I’m in trouble because I missed questions on things that you refuse to teach me about! I was unaware that being an alcoholic was a requirement of working at McYummy…no I have not tried all 100000000 margaritas with their various tequilas in them. When I go to McYummy for dinner I usually get the kids chocolate milkshake!!!

THIS IS RIDICULOUS …WHAT AM I DOING HERE…I’M IN THE WRONG STORY (obviously)

So we went through the various margaritas and verbally I gained back all of my points. Basically wasting 20 minutes of my life that I wish I could have back.

So day 4 continued quite well and moved on to today (day 5) my last day of training!!! I got a 96 on this test…YAY!!! So I am now an official server.

So here are my observations over the past 2 days of trainings

OBSERVATION #1: tips are surprising…people are mean
So when you are training you don’t get to keep any of the tips that you make from your tables. Your trainer does. WHICH SUCKS! However, when you are training you get paid min. wage as opposed to the 2.15 that your trainer is making so then you feel better about it

So I had 2 tables going at the same time
TABLE 1 was the Ugly Stepsister #1 and Ugly Stepsister #2… They weren’t particularly unattractive. (I mean to be honest they weren’t attractive either) But the “ugly” refers to their personality.
I seat them and I am jolly and happy and they look at me with disdain and ugly stepsister #1 says point blank “don’t try to be friends with us”

Ouch…

I mean I hadn’t even spilled food on her or anything. All I did was greet her and she said this. I did not throw a knife at her like I did on day three.

So I take their order and try to always fill all of their refills and get their food to them as quick as possible

TABLE 2
This was a big family. Mommy, Daddy, and their four children one of which was an ADORABLE little girl.

I treated these people like family. I was there every step of the way. They NEVER had empty glasses.

I even went all around the restaurant to find extra crayons for the little girls coloring book since she only had blue and yellow. I brought her green, red, orange, and purple.

Her family was elated at how good of service I was giving and how I entertained the children.

I mean we were like family. I figured they would name their next child Jacque after me and I would be the godmother
We’d go on vacation to Cape Cod and laugh and have great times
If in the event one of them died they would obviously leave their children to me
And it would be like one of those great movies where I wouldn’t know what to do at first and I would be horrible and have poop on me all the time
And then I would figure it out and get a job and have a parade in my honor followed by a big dance number to some epic 80's song

I was an AMAZING server!! They even told my boss how amazed they were at me (HAHA DANIEL!!!!)

I gave them extra chips and salsa to take home

I put a smiley face on their check

…

Table 1’s check was 20 dollars
Table 2’s check was 130 dollars

Table 1 gave me a 10 dollar tip on a 20 dollar check… that’s a 50% TIP!!! HOLY COW!! 50% from the not-so-ugly-anymore-stepsisters

Table 2 gave a 4-dollar tip
I know what your thinking…Jacque forgot to put a 0 on the end of that 4
NO I DIDN’T…I mean $4.00
Table 2 paid with 2 gift cards and a credit card. Well after using the gift cards they only needed to pay like 20 dollars with their credit card.
I was pissed…I mean I thought we were chums…family…and it was like they just informed me that no…I was no longer invited to the family reunion …

Apparently this happens all the time. People who pay part off with a gift card deem that they only need to tip the part that they used their own cash or card for.
Because obviously this man thought that his appetizers, entrees, and deserts for 6 people added up to 20 dollars….NOT

(yep definitely submitting this on Friday as it is …Friday as I finish writing this)

Well it happened again today. A family came in and ate 75 dollars worth of food. Used some gift cards and then only tipped 5 dollars.

THIS IS JUST RUDE

And if you are reading this and have done this…go wash your mouth out with soap…or have a time out on the naughty step as Super Nanny would tell you!!!

It is RUDE and unacceptable. Just cause you use multiple tenders to pay for a bill does not suddenly make it ok to tip like a little piece of poo!!!


OBSERVATION #2: new information
I learned today that the “chill area” is called the “ghetto”. I like this and from now on that ia what it will be called

OBSERVATION #3: Trays
I carried my first tray full of food today and I didn’t spill on anyone. Let me tell you I was very nervous about possibly dropping a skillet on someone’s face. I mean no one wants a 3rd degree burn from a Fajita. That’s not a great story
If you’re going to get a 3rd degree burn it should be from something cool like
You were one of the witches in “Macbeth” and in a moment of true connection with your character you felt that you needed to grab the dry ice in the cauldron with your bare hands and lift it out as a sacrifice of some kind
Much better then Fajita burn and my scenario would make an excellent Thanksgiving story…
“Oh Uncle Henry did you hear about how Susan got her 3rd degree burns... pass the gravy please!”

Also I’d like to mention how glad I am that in movement I was taught how to hold a food tray because it really helped!

OBSERVATION #4: Cooks can be mean

Look I get it…it must be frustrating to be in a country where everyone wants the illegal aliens out.

I respect that over time it must be frustrating cause I only imagine how long it took to dig a hole around the border using only a spoon.

But hey…I WANT YOU HERE! I am all for the illegal aliens. You take up jobs that I don’t want to do and you do them better then I would because lets be honest you are going to be much better at making Fajitas then I am.

I am not the enemy so I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t yell at me when I ask for French fries that aren’t cold. Its not my fault that the person at the table waited 25 minutes before actually trying her French fries.

I would also appreciate it if when you told me where you put the ancho chili ranch dressing you would tell me in English. I can barely handle learning French and I really don’t see myself become tri-lingual anytime in the near future. So when you yell at me that it is in the to-go window instead of the window it’s supposed to be in... Please do so in English!

I am your friend. I watch Dora the Explorer, You guys made big butts cool, and your food tastes awesome and I like the fiesta music you play in the kitchen

But when you yell at me you make it very difficult to follow my aforementioned rule : to not cry at work.

Thank you
…


So I guess now I’m a real server. Ready to take on the world one Fajita at a time.

Table Fright

Performing a scene in acting class = not scary
Singing for an audience = not scary
Performing for a few thousand people = not scary
Auditioning for a Broadway Producer and a movie star = not scary (though I didn’t know who they were till after…so perhaps this one would have been scary)

Serving my first table = terrifying

I don’t get stage fright. I have always felt comfortable on stage doing something to entertain the people who are watching me. I make friends pretty easily because
1) I’m outgoing and introduce myself to people
2) If I decide that we need to be friends…we will be friends even if I have to squeeze my way into your life and by the time I finally succeed in doing this you have realized we belong together

So considering these things I assumed that being a server would come as a natural easy thing for me.

You go up to a table and introduce yourself and talk about food…what can go wrong? I am marvelous at both talking about myself and food so this all seems perfect
WRONG

I get table fright

Today was day 3 of training and I got to greet a table today and take an order to practice my skills.

At this point I had watched people do this for 2.5 days and it was time to take the next step…remove my training wheels…and be a real server.

My heart was pounding as I grabbed my silverware and napkins and walked up to my table of 6. Two Mommies and Four little monsters.

I took a deep breath and squeezed my butt cheeks together (this is what I do when I’m nervous… it makes me taller…and then I’m concentrating on holding my muscles tight instead of being able to feel my heart beat all over my body)

I approach the table and with a smile I start to say “Hey there welcome to McYummy my name is Jacque and I will be serving you today.”

However I said
“Hey there welcome to Mc…oh dear…sorry!!!! I’m new! My name is Jacque and I will be serving you today? What would you like to drink?”

Why did I say “…oh dear…sorry!!!! I’m new!”?

Well that is because as I approach the table…cheeks clenched… I am thinking about all my centering techniques I have learned in acting class and trying to apply them to this moment.

Due to my intense concentration on not being nervous, I quite vehemently place my pile of silverware and napkins for the table down.

Somehow between the butt cheek clenching, the bounce in my step, and the slight shaking of my hand … combined with the silverware to napkin bounce factor…chaos ensued!

If I was to play it for you in slow motion it would go something like this…

Jacque walks to the table and starts to introduce herself
“heyyy theerrrreeee …”
Jacque leans down to place the silverware on the table
“Wellllcoommmeee”
The silverware now having a mind of its own bounces on the napkin
“toooo mcccc”
all the aforementioned forces combined…the knife springs up from the bouncy napkin stack doing a double pirouette and leaping into the air towards “mommy #1”
“ (insert gasp here) “
Jacque dives for the knife but it is too late…it has fallen on the seat of the booth!!

The mothers look at each other wondering who let the crazy knife thrower out of the loony bin. They quickly and telepathically decide which would be the best way to capture her in a straight jacket and force her to only eat with the spoons the rest of her life. Planning possible house raids and protests against said knife thrower with pitchforks and slogans and signs like

“Knifes don’t keep children safe!!!!”
“Jacque is scarier then a Jack-o-Lantern”
“McYummy…is the food worth the risk of losing an appendage at the hand of mass knife thrower Jacque D?”

….
OK… OK… OK…
They didn’t actually look at me like that. I grabbed the knife…gave them a new one and they ordered sweet tea and said that I was very good at anticipating their needs as far as when they would need refills.

However, I wish I could take a picture of the paper I used to write their order. I was so afraid of writing the wrong food down that my hand my was shaking so violently that if someone saw this piece of paper they would assume that someone with Parkinson’s Disease had started to work at McYummy.

So that is my anecdote of the day as far as my experience serving… My character study is also coming along quite well.

I would like to introduce you to…
“creepy uncle santa”

In every family there is the weird uncle or aunt that no one really wants around… but you invite them anyway even if he does hit on all the young chicks… this was best described by Bridget Jones.

Uncle Geoffrey:
There she is.
My little Bridget
Bridget Jones:
Hi, Uncle Geoffrey. Ha ha.
Uncle Geoffrey:
Hmm. Had a drink?
Bridget Jones:
No.
Uncle Geoffrey:
No? Come on, then.
Bridget Jones:
Actually, not my uncle.
Someone who insists I call him uncle...
while he gropes my ass...

Well this man is an Uncle Geoffrey who looks like Santa. I think that is what made this encounter so disturbing. You just DON’T want to see Santa being a creeper. I wanted to meet a creepy Santa as much as I wanted to see the rabbit in the boiling pot in Fatal Attraction or the Horse Head in the bed in The Godfather.

So creepy man appears in the “chill area” and looks around and I’m not sure how to respond to the situation because
1) my mom has made me extremely paranoid about the world. Seriously…you grow up listening to horror stories about working for child protective services and suddenly everything gets a little more terrifying
2) a girl in my town has just disappeared and so I’m paranoid any way
3) my red flag meter is going off and I know that this guy is about as sane as I am subdued after drinking a 5 hour energy shot

So creepy Santa approaches me and says hello and I clutch my notecards….because obviously if he was here to shoot me dead my best way of escape would be to throw the pile of notecards I made to study food abbreviations at him.

However, to my wonderful protection in walks…(I’m changing names in all my stories to protect identity in case I every feel like telling a behind the scenes story that they wouldn’t want the world to know)….so anyway…in walks *Brad* and assessing the situation he approaches the man who is walking into our “chill area” and asks him what he needs.

Apparently Creepy Santa would like to work at McYummy.

Well isn’t that great…we could bond and talk about how he used to rob banks with Bonnie and Clyde or discuss his love of forests without noticeable trails or pathways and then over drinks we can discuss his favorite movie…The Bad Seed and how he always thought the little girl was misunderstood.

So Brad tells the man to come back at a later time because we are in the middle of the lunch rush. The man accepts this and turns to leave…phew

But then he stops and turns around really creepy and looks into Brads eyes in a way that starts a la the final scene of “The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly” but then turns into “Brokeback Mountain” and says…

Santa : “You know what I’m gonna do?”
Brad : “What”
Santa : “I’m going to go across the street and get a peach…a nice….juicy peach”
(don’t forget that I am standing in the corner of this weird encounter watching this and confused)
Brad : “…”
Santa : “do you like your peaches…juicy…or firm? It’s kinda like food isn’t it…you like it one way or the other. I like hot food…do you like hot food young lady?”
Me : “…sure”
Santa : “Yea I need a sweet peach…I bet you like soft peaches (directed at Brad)”

And then he turns around and leaves
Probably to tell his reindeer that he just ruined the Santa fantasy for two poor college kids.

That is my thoughts on McYummy for the day

A New Beginning

I miss blogging. I must admit that i enjoyed the weekly or bi-weekly release of telling the world things that they necessarily didn't need to hear.

It has been 172 days since i left the beautiful city of London and all the wonders that it had to offer me.

It is time to move on to a new topic of discussion. The grace period to grieve has occurred and i feel that it is now ok to move on and talk about life after London.

Today is Day 2 of training to become the "worlds best waitress". I put this in quotes because i seriously fear of failing at this be doing something like...

feeding someone allergic to fish crab -

and killing them-

and then ill go to jail -

and be forced to wear orange -

which just to be honest is not my color -

I plan to write about all life things in general. However, i feel that this new job is going to provide very humours anecdotes that should be shared.

So here are my thoughts so far on waitressing (a.k.a. things i learned about the food business)

1) Back in high school i was a Hostess at the a-bees (i now work at an unspecified restaurant because im not sure if im allowed to talk about my work online...so from now on i will refer to myplace of work as McYummy) and spent most of my time at the front of house mainly talking to the servers whose section was closest to mine. I never knew the wonders of the kitchen and "chill area"

ill preface this by saying that there isn't actually an area for the servers to hang out. Actually it isn't allowed to just hang about and chill and talk if you are on duty. This being said...

there is a servers area...and everyone hangs out there because its a section of tables that no one can see...basically it's awesome!

So i am studying for my test on day 1 in the "chill area" when one of the servers walks back into the kitchen with a plate of food..

about 10 minutes later this happens again

and then again

and then again

and then again

the 5th or 6th time this happens i watch him storm into the kitchen and hear

"the bitch at table 62...."

It made me laugh and made me realize

Servers talk behind our back

As a consumer it makes me wonder what servers have said about me - "the picky eater who wants to 86 almost everything from the order"

As a server...i find this wonderful. With only two days of serving under the belt i can already say that im going to start writing some quotes down because you want to hear them!!

2) the second thing is that the world is crazy

this is the other reason why i feel like having a blog about serving the hungry people of bloomington will be entertaining and sad

For Example:

So "Say Please Man", "I lost my larynx", and their three children walked into McYummy and sat down at one of my training tables. SCORE!!!

I understand that manners matter...but SPM should start a national campaign to teach children to be polite.

That is, of course, if we decide that children should learn out of fear.

Each time one of their children talked they had to say please and thank you. EVERYTIME

"I liked my water" - spawn #1

"I liked my water THANK YOU or you dont get more water" - SPM yells

SPM looks to ILML for support in this ...she says nothing

"I would like the kids mac and cheese" - spawn #3

"Please...how many times have we gone through this 'spawn name'" - SPM yells

SPM looks to ILML for support...she takes a sip of water and checks her phone

I respect teaching your children manners but i would prefer to see it in a way that wasn't influenced by a neo-nazi training camp.

So i just figured that sharing my day to day activities would interest some of you.

As i see it...serving is a required part of life as a theatre major. This is the beginning of one of my major life careers. Two days into it... i can already see that this profession will provide a great source for character study!