Back On The Wagon

Falling Off The Wagon –

To cease or fail at a regimen of self-improvement or reform; to lapse back into an old habit or addiction.

The phrase “falling off the wagon” usually refers to alcoholism but in reality anyone can fall off of the wagon of life at any moment. Losing track of goals is easy when life’s stresses come down upon us.

I recently became OBSESSED with HBO’s new show “Girl’s”. It’s not that this is show is necessarily the voice of my generation. However, I do think it resonates. The shows protagonist Hannah is recently out of college with the rude awakening that her parents will no longer be financially supporting her.

Amidst all this stress a main storyline in the show is Hannah’s constant struggle with her weight. Hannah is a stress eater. This is shown throughout the show but was especially punctuated in “The Return”. An episode where Hannah goes home to visit her parents in Michigan. Things in her life are falling apart around her and in the middle of the night Hannah stands in front of the fridge basically consuming all food in sight whilst piling up more food in her arms to take with her for later.

I cried from laughing so hard watching Hannah stuff her face because I had been there. So many people have been there…that’s why they wrote it because the writers knew that out there were thousands of girls just like Hannah who had spent many an evening eating away their cares.

That moment has stuck with me for the past few weeks. The last couple months have been a massive ball of constant stress. Between finals, graduating from college, finding an apartment, moving to a city alone, and attempting to become financially stable as an adult. Somewhere in the middle of all that I fell off the wagon.

I had made a goal for myself at new years that by the following new years I would look like the girl that I felt like inside. For the first 4 months I was solid. I wasn’t necessarily making the best progress but I wasn’t giving up either. Then I wasn’t making any progress…and then I was stressed.

Then came the excuses.

It’s ok to have a milkshake because I don’t drink so it’s not like I’m having all those calories in Long Islands like my friends at the bar

Then defeat.

My weight isn’t changing so who cares what I eat nothing is going to work

So I succumbed to the stress again. I fell off the wagon because it was easier to have my instant gratification. My generation is so hung up on instant gratification. If a song takes more than 10 seconds to download we freak out. Why do the work when you can enjoy a donut now?

So today I realized that Hannah stuffing her face in front of the fridge is NOT ok. I am letting go of the one thing in my life that I have control over. Everything is up for grabs. Will I make rent? Am I going to get cast in that show? Am I the type for this role? Is everything I ever wanted and dreamed about going to come true? What is my future?

Some where between all the stress that life has thrown at me in the last few months I gave up. “The year is half over…I’ve failed”. This is what I’ve done every time. I fall off and then I give up because I’m so mad at myself.

But not this time

The year is not half over. It’s only just started. There are still 193 days till New Years. It’s time for people to stop making excuses. More importantly it’s time for me to stop making excuses.

Which comes to why I’m writing this… I’m writing this because I know that there are other people out there who feel like I do. Who feel like giving up every time they fall off the wagon. For years I have been looking at this whole thing the wrong way. Every time I hit a bump in the road…I see it as a failure and give up.

I have not failed. I have made an error like any other human. We need to stop giving up when things get hard. Accept that sometimes we mess up and just hop back on the wagon when we fall off.

When a girl falls at a track meet she doesn’t stay on the ground and never get up. She picks herself up and she finishes the race. She might be the last one to cross that finish line…but she crossed it didn’t she? It’s time that we all stop worrying about falling down and remember why we started running in the first place.